The following reflection is based on the story and paintings found in Rebecca J. Craig’s memoir, “Once Upon a Nightmare: Through the Looking Glass of Narcissistic Abuse” available now on Amazon.
“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.” – Octavia Butler
I was drowning.
At least, that’s what it felt like. After all, I knew what almost drowning felt like. I’d survived getting caught in an undertow in Destin, Florida when I was in the sixth grade, my little body exhausted as I kept swimming and swimming, but the shoreline kept getting farther and farther away. How I could see the bottom and that would give me the false sense that I was in shallow water, so I kept putting my feet down, trying to stand up—only to be swept further out to sea.
So I unwittingly battled against forces I could not win against. They were invisible, but no less deadly.
When I was about to give up, when I was about ready to sink beneath the waves and let the ocean have me, my father showed up on a little raft and pulled me to safety.
Life after I filed for my divorce made me feel the same way. I had given everything I had to give, was utterly exhausted emotionally and mentally, and felt the waves of life enveloping me as I sank further and further down into the depths of watery chaos. It was only the support and love of many friends and family that kept me from submerging into the dark abyss.
My faith sustained me during this time. While in the painting depicted here, the hand that reaches in and grabs hold of the drowning individual is clearly marked with the signs of the crucifixion, thus identifying the one who reaches in and grabs hold of us for dear life is Christ, in my world the hand of Christ came in many forms. Other people who were Christ to me, holding on to me and refusing to let go.
They were my saving grace.
That is how this whole faith thing works for me.
Christ works in and through the people around me, giving me the strength to get up each morning, take another breath, take another step. This is what community and relationship is about. It’s what being the body of Christ for each other is about.
And it is what salvation is about. Christ reaching in and grabbing hold of me when I’m drowning. Who saves me and pulls me out of the depths of sin, despair, and chaos. All I can do is have faith he never lets go. Because he is my lifeline, my saving grace that keeps me from being overwhelmed by the tumultuous circumstances of life, even as I grope and gasp for the surface. I know I will never break free on my own. I know the tides of sin and our broken world will at times be too much to handle and fight against. I know I will succumb to the forces in this world that keep me from walking on top of the water, from weathering the storm. Instead, I sink and cry out “Save me!” Just like Peter in the story of Jesus walking on water, and Peter jumping out of the boat to greet him. As he, too, walked on water, he suddenly became aware of the storm that was lashing all around him and began sinking beneath waves, calling out “Save me!”
There are forces around me that I do not always clearly see that threaten to drag me further and further out to sea; pulling me under and threatening to drown me before I’m even aware of what’s happening. So often I think I have firm ground to stand on, but it’s only an illusion and trick of refracting light and shadow. I’m further away from solid footing than I realize. And I am far more reliant on my perceived capabilities than I should be, when I am many times simply at the whim of nature and life with no control and no means to combat the invisible forces, until someone grabs hold and pulls me to shore. I exhaust myself as I fight and struggle.
I have to repeatedly tell myself: “Let go.” Allow the hands of those around me to lift me up when I need them. Cry for help. And allow myself to be helped and saved. Get on top of the waves and just ride it out.
My husband had thankfully been unable to isolate me from my friends like so many narcissists are apt to do. They were there to grab hold of my hands and refused to let me sink beneath the waves.
This is what my friends were to me. They saved me. They got me through the worst of this. They were my life raft. My saving grace.
This is not the case for so many women in my position. Many of them have been successfully isolated from their friends and family, or the narcissist in their life has succeeded in convincing everyone around her that she is the crazy one and out of line. They have nowhere to turn. Even their faith community may turn on them and blame them no matter what the circumstances. Or worse yet, tell them to return and forgive the abuse. Such situations truly break my heart, as that is not the point or the purpose of a faith community when you’re dealing with divorce—especially divorce from someone who has abused you, cheated on you, or abandoned you.
I can’t imagine I would have survived without that support system. It would have been worse than hell to try and navigate.
I cannot imagine not having that saving grace in my life.
