We are living at a time when it’s hard to keep up with the many threats to our American Values. Woke policies that prioritize DEI – Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion – over merit and common sense are leading our country to collapse. Thankfully our new President has signed a slew of executive orders against this morally depraved idea of DEI. But there’s one thing that poses a grave threat and must be dismantled before it destroys our country with its DEI-ridden propaganda: the Bible.
That’s right, the Bible. Make no mistake – I love the Bible. But have you read this thing? If we’re going to dewokify America, we’re going to need to make some cuts. And there’s a good precedent for this. One of our most beloved founding fathers, Thomas Jefferson, saw the danger of keeping Jesus’ miracles in the Bible, so he, in his great wisdom, made a Bible that was even better than the first. Well I believe that once we get rid of all the Bible’s wokery, we will make the BEST BIBLE THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN!
Here’s the strategy. If you spot anything that smells of diversity, equity, or inclusion, offer it two simple words: “You’re fired.”
Let’s start at the beginning. God is creating all the things. Days one and two he’s keeping things separate: light from dark, clouds from the sea. So far, so good. But on the third day, it’s clear that the woke machine is starting to gain a foothold – God sees fit to bring every kind of vegetation into the world. And then does the same thing with the animals on the fifth day! Does that smell like diversity to you? I have two words: You’re fired!
But the sixth day is when the wokiosity gets out of hand. God creates the male – a beautiful male who probably looked almost as good as me. And then, as though to fill some primeval quota, he has to create a woman too. Why not another male? Did she do anything to earn her position in the Creation story? Nope. You’re fired!
And what about Noah? Taking every kind of animal on the ark? Just imagine how many people could have fit on the ark if God wasn’t trying to be so inclusive. We may even still have the Nephilim with us. I heard they were good warriors.
And don’t get me started with Abraham. God wants to do something about all the depravity in the world, and he decides to bless some random dude who did nothing to deserve it? It says Abraham “believed” God and God credited it to him as righteous. Is that all it takes to be righteous now? What happened to merit-based righteousness?! Not only that, but God is going to bless his descendants too! Unearned birthright blessings? In fact, when we come to Jesus in the New Testament, we find you don’t even need to be Abraham’s descendant. You just need to believe in him like Abraham believed God. Welcome to Wokeville! Blessings to the whole world. Don’t do anything for it – it’s just a free gift. Well you know what I have to say about this handout? You’re fired!
But I’m getting ahead of myself. The wokicaliforniaisticexpialidociousness between Abraham and Jesus must be denounced: regulating Egypt’s great economy because its labor practices weren’t “equitable,” giving a kingdom to the scrawny shepherd-boy David over the more qualified Saul, sending Israel into exile because they stiffed the immigrants and froze funding to the widows and orphans, telling Isaiah to share crazy ideas about all nations coming to God’s holy mountain. Diversity. Equity. Inclusion. Wokity-wokity-wokity. Time to make some cuts. In fact, let’s not waste our time – might as well just let go of everything between Abraham and Jesus. You’re fired!
And what shall we do with Jesus? A virgin mother who makes a baby with the Holy Spirit and no help from a man? Sounds like reverse-sexism to me. And it’s clear that diversity is more important than merit when he picks fishermen, zealots, and tax collectors to take his message to the world. Where are the tech leaders and news anchors? And the beatitudes should be an early sign that this guy is dangerous – the meek shall inherit the earth? Blessed are those who hunger for righteousness? Blessed are the merciful? Peacemakers? Weak! America will never survive with this DEI foolishness. You’re fired!
Jesus doesn’t stop with these teachings, and even commits questionable acts that spread his wokedom across Galilee – healing people who don’t deserve it, inviting people to meals who shouldn’t be invited, hindering business by overturning tables in the temple. But his greatest transgression comes when he goes to the cross. He dies for a world that does nothing to deserve it. He lets anyone be part of his kingdom, simply by faith. He rises from the dead, giving new life to people who were clearly disloyal. Way too wokish for me.
Once we get rid of all this DEI in the Bible, we’ll have a Bible that upholds American freedom. We’ll have a Bible that won’t question our motives. A Bible that won’t question our words. A Bible that won’t question our actions. We will have a Bible that will not point out our sin. But here’s the thing: we actually don’t need to take the verses out. We can just stop talking about them and focus on the ones that make us feel good about what we’re doing. So join me. Let’s make the Bible great again.
This might be satire.
Reynolds Chapman is Executive Director of DurhamCares, and lives in Durham, NC, with his wife and three kids.
